Am I ready?

I have exactly one more week left before I start my new job. One more week of waking up and pottering about til I am actually ready to do things. One more week of watching Youtube until 10am and then looking at my task list. One more week of spending each day with my dog. One more day of not having to speak to anyone except my dog and maybe my family.

I have got far too used to this lux lifestyle o.O

Saying that, I am excited to have money again, especially with Christmas around the corner. I'm excited to meet new people (which also terrifies me since I am more intro than extra), to stretch my brain and learn new things, and to actually be doing things OUTSIDE OF THE HOUSE. While I love having the freedom to do things in my own home, and have plenty of things I can do, I am definitely more motivated when I have a little more pressure on my time.

So bring on a new challenge, new people, and NO UNIFORM! Maybe the most exciting thing - I get to wear the things in my wardrobe again!

Employment A-Hoy!

It's been a little while since I last wrote anything - sorry about that :S A few things have been happening in that time though. Applying for jobs - standard, getting a job - yay!, knee surgery - ouch, best friend flying in from London - omgcannotcontaintheexcitement!!!!! And she's also gone in the time it's taken me to write this post :( Devastation.

I'm sorry for that slackness. I have to admit, the knee surgery was rougher this time around - I definitely didn't expect quite as much pain, especially transitioning from the panadeine forte to the standard panadeine. Ouch. I have also found that it's been a lot harder to get the bend and stretch happening - it just feels like it's a lot harder work, and managing the pain on top of that ... it just hasn't been good.
I did also get a MASS of swelling around my ankle from all the fluid running down from my knee, which has lead to some seriously impressive bruising on my ankle and foot. Not going to lie, I do enjoy a good bruise, so that was pretty epic to watch it all change colour and whatnot :D

And with my friend here, even though I didn't see her as much as I would have liked, I still saw her a bunch - it was perfect. It really made me realise how much I bloody miss her and how much I would give to go visit her in London. We're going to kickstart our photo a day challenge - we were doing really well a year ago, but then we slowly slid off the bandwagon. It went from one photo a day, to a photo every few days, to maybe 6 photos one day a week, to slowly slowly nothing. But now we're going to get back to it. We're going to have regular Skype dates, and just reinvigorate things a bit. I mean, we still chatted pretty regularly, but I find that you connect better when there are pictures along with the words. You know? You get a better capture of life, day to day.

But now here we are, halfway through October, two weeks til I finally start my new job, two weeks til Halloween....and I have two weeks to make a massive dent on my book. I have no excuse to not be writing it. Though I am a pro at procrastination. I have a bunch of appointments over the next week (dentist, physio, hairdresser), two days of work booked at my old high school, and a date to take my dog down to visit my Nan (she dotes on all animals but dogs in particular, so he is going to get SPOILT ROTTEN), but in and around that, I need to smash out some writing time. So wish me luck while I go plan my days with chunks of writing time in and around everything else.

MRI Mondays, Tuesday Checks and Wednesday Waa's

So Monday I had what I think was my first MRI. I honestly don't remember whether I had one last time I did my knee - I think that was more of an X-ray situation....? Eh, don't quote me on it, it was all a blur.
I think because I had never had one before, I had a bad sleep wondering what it would be like, stressing ever so slightly about the results - even though I bloody well know the answer. Seriously brain, what the heck??
It was fine. Apart from stripping off and putting on a crepe gown and going into a room that was cold and then having to lie still for 20 minutes while a jack hammer went off around you as it scanned away. Totally fine.
It actually was super fuss-free and easy, so that was great, and the folks there were awesome. I was done and dusted by half nine! It left me a full day to go and get some basic shopping done (I am in the need for a quiche and have so many eggs, so the stars all aligned!) and then come back to get some puppy cuddles in and apply for job after job.
That is such a soulless process, I think. Exhausting too, constantly talking yourself up, pitching the best sides of you for which ever job you're going for, and then sending it out into the interwebs to be judged, and most likely be found wanting. Good times.

Then Tuesday, I headed off to the sports doc to find out the MRI results came back saying my knee still looked intact o.O Wtf. The doc was pretty confident in ignoring the results though, given my experience and his own judgment on what he could feel, so then I got a surgeon referral. Two more hours and I walked out, having booked a date for my second ACL reconstruction on my right knee. A little bit of terror about the surgery, a lot of terror about the money, and the headache began to build.

And now it's Wednesday. I still have the headache even though I talked it all out with my partner. Fun fact: I get stress headaches. If you have any suggestions about how to deal with them, I'm all ears.

So here we are. Counting down til the 20th September, earning whatever I can in the meantime in bit jobs, applying for a million others, and hopefully, hopefully, finding something with a mid-October start date.

Sneaky Eatings

Who else eats things they shouldn't? More importantly, when they shouldn't? AND HIDES IT????

Tonight, my partner cooked an amazing meal - Shepherd's pie. Love love love it-  mince meat with veggies, topped by a creamy mash with a sprinkling of cheese that got crispy in the oven...mm-mmm Ate my portion - a standard size - as did he...and was still starving after. I find that when it is cold, I definitely eat far more than I should, and when I am bored or sitting in front of the tv, I do it some more.

Tonight? I held out.

Till he went to basketball. Then I ate an entire BAG of honey soy chicken chips, a large homemade choc chip cookie, and on his return, we put some little Nanna's apricot pies in the oven for 'dessert'. My third dessert, by this stage.

Eep. I think now is when I start really assessing how I use my days and put a plan in place. I need to get back into a gym habit. Start one, even, since I didn't have a super great one to begin with. And eat better - find healthier snacks and have them quick to hand.




Not going to lie though, I really did enjoy those chips.

Dog days and winter beaches

Can we just take a moment on this meant-to-be-stormy day and appreciate that sun? And then, another moment to appreciate dogs on the beach in said winter sun? Nothing makes me happier than seeing this pup legging it across the sand and seaweed, stretching his legs and going absolutely mental at the freedom of it all. And the sand between his paws. He sleeps so sounds after and wears a silly grin the entire time. I didn't realise how much I missed having a dog in the home til we got him.
NB: the dog he's chasing in the first photo was a friend's dog ;)

Well here we are. Two weeks into being unemployed - at least in any sort of permanent way. Please help me hold the terror at bay. I think the only reason I am not out and out panicking yet is because I have been working one day a week at my old high school library (thank you, oh best friend of mine) and also have a car-parking gig for the Royal Adelaide Show in a few weeks time. No clue how many hours, but some money is better than none. End of September though....that's when I will freak if nothing else comes up.

I have been pretty flatchat since leaving my full time job though - I spent the past two weeks catching up with friends who I feel I've neglected since beginning in the doomed position, having a couple of interviews (for the same job, but still waiting to hear back), getting sorted for my sister's 30th (the biggest bash we've thrown in a while and only thanks to Mum and Dad did it all come together), dealing with my dog's persistent eyelashes-in-the-eye problem, AND then dealing with car crashes... Then can we also make special mention that as of two night's ago, a likely torn ACL. Brilliant.

But anyway. Unemployment. With who knows what on the horizon and so many possibilities for me to explore - I genuinely can't wait to get started! This (gestures at the blog) is part of it. I've been wanting to make a proper go of this blog for a while so finally, I'm committing. Not like the half arsed attempt I made at the start of the year. This time I'm all in. AND with all this time now on my hands (excluding the hour plus each day I'm giving myself to job hunt), it means I can actually focus on writing my book. It would be nice to finish it before I'm 33...

Where did 31 go?

I have a month left of 31, and then I move on to 32.

I feel so behind.

Everyone is moving on in life - exciting careers (or steady ones, at least), marriage, children; they all seem to have adulting down pat. I know that half of that is an illusion - no one could possibly have it together all of the time and everyone is probably fumbling as much as me, but from the outside, it doesn't look that way.

I'm pretty lucky - my partner is super responsible with money, has a good job, and it's because of him we bought a house. All I brought to the table was a family of willing helpers with good know-how and big hearts, and a cushy enough tax return that it covered most of the big furniture expenses. I have spent so much of my life spending my money on travel, seemingly frivolous things (sometimes they've turned out to be quite good purchases, sometimes not...and sometimes they've taken a while to actually prove their worth), and suddenly I got to 30 and the job I had envisioned staying in for years disappeared. The entire company got shut down and we were all made redundant. It was as close to a dream job as I could have hoped - in a bookstore, closed on weekends and over Christmas,  on a uni campus. I genuinely couldn't dream of anything better.

I thought I might have had a chance at getting back into that world recently, when Dymocks was looking to hire. The ad was up for 2 days and I was lucky enough to see it, let alone even get an interview. I was so sure I would be a shoe in because the systems they use are the same as what I had been used to and they called me in on the one day off I had to have said interview. It seemed like it was all falling into place. I walked away feeling confident.

Someone else was better suited for the role. That's what I got told when I was rejected. Nicely, but still rejected.

Don't get me wrong, I have been employed ever since I got made redundant; I just really dislike my current job. Hate wouldn't be too strong a word for what I feel some days. Which was such a shock to realise because it was a career I had dreamt about before I found the job I did love.

The point is, I had thought that by now I would be able to start thinking about having kids (even though I'm not entirely certain I'm prepared for that level of sharing my life), because maternity leave would have been a given. It is not. I want to leave my current job, and it will be soon. But I have been looking for a new position since I started. And I'm not sure it's fair to get pregnant without having that sort of security. So there's that back foot I feel like I'm on.

But also, so many people in my circle of friends have had children in their twenties. I am going to be the older mum who has them in her thirties. That is slightly disconcerting. We just got a pup and after two weeks of ownership - waking up in the middle of the night to take him outside for the toilet, cleaning up the mess, constantly watching him to make sure he's behaving, taking him for training sessions, listening to him whine and not reacting until he self settles....how the hell will older-me have the energy for that, when current-me is in struggletown? The terror is real. And pups are far less trouble than a child will be.

The other thing that has me scared and nervy and stressed - my book. I had lofty dreams of finishing it at 21, 23, 25, 27, 30....if only a Masters of Procrastination was available in life, I would have achieved that thrice over by now. But it's not even close to being done. If I have a child, the time to finish it will be even more reduced. I won't have time for me.

So to summarise. I feel like I've wasted a lot of my life trying to find the right job, the right amount of money to live on, and the time to write. What will 32 teach me, if this is what reflection at 31 is offering up? o.O

p.s. I don't regret the majority of my decisions in terms of jobs and travel, this was basically just a running commentary on my thoughts these past few weeks.

Yeah, no.

So it's been two weeks, this is my second post, and how did I go with my writing challenge of 'one sentence a day'?

ABSOLUTELY TERRIBLY.

Yep. Not gonna lie. Not gonna make excuses. It was shocking. I think I wrote on two of the days. Maybe about five sentences total. Goddamn. This job I am in currently makes it so hard to commit more time to sitting at a desk to write -  I spend over 9 hours a day at my desk for work, so to come home and do the same, even for five minutes, can be a struggle. Clearly.

One thing I will say though is that it never left my mind. I have been thinking about it this entire time, about where I want to go next and what I want to do. Not as clearly and ready to write down as I might like, but at least I haven't let it slip from my mind completely.

Also, we got our puppy today. So I feel my time, what little I had left after work, is going to be hard fought to dedicate to writing.....though it is my partner's dog, so he's going to wear a lot of the responsibility. I say that, but it will be fair - I hate when things aren't fair!

But there's the update. Life is short, I am still writing, but not at the rate that will see this bloody book finished in the near future (maybe not even this calendar year, if I can't figure out how to light the fire under my butt).

Tune in next fortnight for the next update. Anyone else having these same issues? I'd love to hear if you have any suggestions to help with the procrastination/sitting down issues.

Get set, go?

I have put this off for too long.

All my life, the one thing I wanted to be is a writer. I've heard the advice given by writers - write and you're a writer. Don't worry about being published because that shouldn't validate you. Make sure you do some writing every day.

And for over ten years. I've made excuses: I don't have time. I'm not good enough yet. I need to plan my backstory before I can work on the front story (ahhhhh wit >.>)

I have at least managed to write every day (to do lists count, right?), but I don't feel my journals are enough to increase my skill. They are lazy, full of slang, and sound how I talk. Which can be hilarious and cringe-worthy to read over, but only for myself. I don't think they'd go so well being read by others. Being good enough is as much about practice as it is believing in yourself - to a certain extent. And as for planning - well, surely I can do both planning and writing simultaneously? More importantly, isn't that what editing is for? Just write, damnit!

So it's time for some change. Ten minutes a day will be put aside to write a single sentence on my novel. It doesn't sound like much, but I've struggled with this before. What will I do differently this year?
... I honestly don't know. But I think that's why I'm starting this. I'm making myself accountable because I'm putting this blog out there. So that you (whoever you are), can know what I'm doing and I can feel more responsible. Mebe....it's at least worth a shot!

So I'll update this once a fortnight. Maybe more, but no promises.

Thanks for tuning in :)